Valentines Card

Feb 14, 2009 it was the first time I said thank you sa imo through the songs that i selected to convey a simple thank you at that time. I'm someone who doesn't really know how to express her thoughts verbally, that's why I prefer to write it all down. There may be things that I have difficulty saying, out of fear or maybe I'm not that strong enough to speak it out clearly. In every song I try to find the words to convey something, in every melody it carries the emotions of a person. I may have said some things that have worn out your patience as a person, and we have argued a lot in the past few weeks and months but those arguments that we had, many were not as useless as you think so. Some made me realize a lot of things and made me truly see of what we both are made of. Among the people I know, you are one of the few I'm keeping close to my heart. Having you in my life is not as easy as ABC, you are like a rose given to a girl in every valentines day to remind them how much they are loved by someone, but unlike any rose your thorns make you unique and special. Touching it, having it near my arms, sometimes causes me to have some painful cuts, but I could never deny how a single rose made me see the reality of its beauty. I'm happy when I'm with you g^, there's no doubt about that. Relationships aren't as perfect as how roses are made, so are people. I just hope that you will not tire reminding me of the things that made me fall for you, coz I will never get tired reminding you of the things that made you love me. The simple stuffs are what makes every unbearable thing bearable. Maybe the reason why were still together is within the paradox of Mother Theresa in which she said that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. Hmmm.. maybe I'm learning to believe that she has a point when she said this line..We could never promise each other happy days but we could try to make the end of each day something to smile with..Happy 1st yr Valentines! ninakosa nyinyi na nimekunoki.. tsk2x.. ok?! mwuah! XOXO >p

WORDS

I am writing again. I don't know why it took me a couple of years to write up my thoughts again. The last year, 2009, made some drastic changes within me. I remembered the reason why I started this blog site, it was because I had to write up a story that was long built up in my thoughts and I was compelled to write up the words for it. As I read it again, I realized how bitter I was before. It was a facade no one knew because of how intricately I placed the words in my writings that separated it from the emotions that have built within me.

The year 2009, was like 2006 for me, twisted in a way that the months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds made some memories that were unexplainable and unforgettable. I will always remember how 2006 was for me, but 2009 was better. It was hard but it was definitely better. If I could describe 2009 it was yet the best and hardest roller coaster ride that I've been through. It was a rough year for me, it made me felt bliss I wasn't able to feel. Yet I also felt the worst and most unexplainable pain I could ever imagine.

I guess that's the beauty and madness of living. You can never experience true happiness without facing the true meaning of pain. I have regretted some things in my past years, things that I wasn't able to do and was able to do. I can say that I have been braver the last year. Braver for letting things happen and not be afraid of facing its outcome. I have learned and am continue learning the other phases of living so that is why I am writing again. I guess writing helps me in a way it was able to help me before. Words, thoughts, questions, and many others will always run in our mind and it is the one thing that most of us are still learning to control.

I am writing again not to pour out my emotions and thoughts to anyone who'll accidentally read this but mainly just to let out the things that I have to before it explodes in my mind.

If I could write a letter to someone whom I'm deadly missing right now, it would be this.

It has been 9 days since I last saw you and I'm angry because those 9 days were the hardest and still I'm counting on the next 356 days that is still yet to come. I never expected that it would be like this, that it's unimaginable not to see you. It's different this way than the days that we do not see each other before. Whenever I'm mad or your mad, sometimes I don't like to see nor hear anything from you. But I know at those times the moment I wake up in the morning the madness would go away and I would still see you and things would be OK. But now it's different, sometimes it takes me hours, never ending hours, to close my eyes at night because I know that in the next morning I still wouldn't catch a glimpse of you. That I wouldn't be able to feel you, and to see you give me that warm hug and hear you say you miss me too. It's painful to think about the things that I miss about you and more painful to think about the things that I'm afraid knowing that each coming day no one would be there to tell me of the things that I should be assured of.
Every night I can't control the emotions that's building up inside me. Tears just can't hep but fall whenever I hear the deafening silence of the night. My heart feels like its missing something. I have never missed anyone before, not like this, crazy as it sound I feel that I'm becoming soft, like most women are. That is the one thing that I despise the most, that's the reason why I never believed that relationships and commitment go together. I can have a relationship with someone and not totally commit myself to him. I can commit myself to someone and not have a relationship with him. That was the way things were, the way I have lived my life. You changed everything, you opened something within me that was long locked. And now I am trying to get things going on my own.

I actually got mad at you for something. Something that I saw, that I never expected to see. It actually almost broke me again, and again you were hurting me. But then I read some online article about something. It made me realize of the much more important things that I have to consider other than my own doubts and insecurities. It made me see that when a person is angry, she must learn not to let this anger linger longer in her heart and mind because it can turn into bitterness, and bitterness can turn into poison if it stays longer within you. I know this fact because I have been there once upon a time. So that was the reason why I have forgiven you for the things that you kept from me, this was the reason why I was able to control my emotions when it comes to dealing with the same problems as we have before. I really don't know why I'm staying, is it because I'd rather be living my life with a challenge or is it because I have deeper feelings for you than anyone else. I still can't answer that until now. Because whenever I think of the things that keep on hurting me, I ask why I'm staying. And if I try to go away, I think of the things that can make me happy. And the answer all boils down to because you're YOU. You have given me pain no one else did, whether you knew these things or not, you are still capable of hurting me again and again. But whenever I looked into your eyes, without words, without doubt, without explanation, I see something true and strong. It may sound cheesy but that alone is the reason why I'm staying. I know I have prayed in the heavens for someone, and that question is yet to be answered. But you came, maybe you're just one of the choices among others, nevertheless you still are one among my strong choices.

I have yet to face tomorrow again, but I know that with each passing day you will not tire on reminding me of your love. That is the one promise I am holding on, the one reason why of all the promises that I have made, the one I gave you is the thing that I'm keeping.